Ready to Love Again
by Lothiriel84
Summary: "Building walls around you won't get you anywhere, Patrick. I can tell better than anyone else." - Written for tromana as a part of the Great Stocking Swap on Paint It Red forum. A huge thank you to Miss Peg for betaing my story.


**Ready to Love Again**

It was kind of ironic that Red John and his allies had always looked so concerned about Jane's well-being.

"_Seeking revenge is a waste of your precious time. Your life is precious, Patrick. Get on with that precious life. Find yourself a woman to love, start a family."_

That's what Timothy Carter had said only a few moments before he shot him thrice in the chest. And even Lorelei's words after their night together – words meant as a friendship offering on Red John's behalf – had sounded startlingly similar to the previous ones.

"_Patrick, look at yourself. You need a new life. __He can give that to you."_

To him, the idea that the man who'd destroyed his life might have wanted to help him move on felt absolutely ludicrous to say the least.

Even now that Red John was dead and gone, his memory stubbornly refused to stop haunting his longtime foe. A shiver ran down Jane's spine as his mind went back once again to what had happened on that ill-fated night ten years ago.

Charlotte had probably made a fuss when she'd discovered she would have to go to bed before Daddy came home. She'd never liked having to fall asleep without kissing both her parents goodnight.

Only when their daughter had been tucked into Morpheus' safe arms would Angela finally head to their bedroom. Maybe she'd thought briefly about her husband before drifting towards sleep.

(A most unworthy husband who'd just signed his family's death warrant with his foolish words.)

And then that monster had crept up the stairs and enjoyed the fear in his victims' eyes as he cut them open with a knife.

He felt the sudden need to rush to the bathroom and empty the meager contents of his stomach. (Lisbon had been scolding him more and more often about skipping lunch of late, but he actually hadn't felt like eating since Red John's death. Tea and a few sandwiches were more than enough to keep him going for a considerable amount of time anyway.)

He'd loved Angela with all his heart. She'd had him under her spell right from their first meeting as a matter of fact.

His father had beaten him up more than once because his crush on Angela distracted him from his act as the Boy Wonder. He simply didn't mind.

The day had come when they'd finally got married and escaped together. With the carnie life firmly behind them, they'd been making tentative plans about their future.

When Angela's unexpected pregnancy had come their way, he'd done his best to ensure his soon-to-be-born offspring a better life than he'd had. Charlotte was the most wonderful gift he'd ever received, a precious token of the love between him and his wife.

The night he'd come home to find that note pinned on his bedroom door had been the end of it all.

His little bubble of happiness had burst the moment he'd seen that ominous red smiley on the wall. Then he'd sunk to his knees and taken in the horrible sight of their butchered bodies sprawled on that bed, blood drenching the immaculate sheets and pillows.

His heart had shattered into a thousand tiny pieces, and there were so many of them that he would never be able to put them back together.

No way he would ever fall in love again. He couldn't risk being faced with another tragedy in a single lifetime.

xxx

"_You're a bad liar. Your eyes give you away every time. Honest eyes."_

Sam Bosco had told her so before he died. And he'd probably been right too – even if Lisbon was never going to admit it aloud.

She wondered how long ago Jane had guessed the truth about her feelings. Far earlier than she had known herself, that was for sure.

Not that it actually mattered anyway. He had so much baggage to deal with already, even now that Red John was no more. There was no need to add her own to the mix.

She'd been scared stiff of committing herself to a serious relationship for more than she even cared to remember. And she'd rather overlook the fact that it might have something to do with all of the times she'd been hurt by the people she cared about – especially her father.

Her mind wandered to her years at college. Greg had been her boyfriend back then – until he had to ruin it all by asking her to marry him. Then she simply freaked out and ran away.

(She hadn't been ready for the altar, and she suspected she would never be.)

Greg was fun and charming, but that was that. Love was something entirely different, as she'd discovered later on when she'd joined Bosco's team.

Of course she would fall for a married man; that was her karma, or so it seemed.

And being aware that Sam had been sharing her feelings all the time actually hadn't helped in the least. If possible, it had only made things worse.

For she would never put herself between a man and his wife. She simply couldn't do such a thing.

In a way that was what had prevented her from acknowledging her feelings for Jane. Even leaving aside the whole Red John business, he was still wearing his wedding band as a way to honor his long-lost wife. He _was_ a married man in a way, and the fact that his wife had been dead for the last decade didn't change a thing.

That didn't mean they couldn't be friends anyway. Admitted that he could see any more use in their friendship now that his hunt for the serial killer was over.

Even if Jane decided to go away, she would always have her job. And her job was the thing that mattered most in her life – along with her brothers and friends, of course.

Maybe she would never have a family of her own, but she could live with that.

She'd gotten quite used to being alone throughout the years after all.

xxx

The team had insisted that they should be celebrating the closing of the Red John case together.

So here they were now – quietly watching the guys as they chatted merrily over their dinner. While Jane's cheerful grin never reached his eyes, and Lisbon carefully avoided meeting his gaze.

When the dinner was over they walked back to their cars in silence. Cho, Rigsby and Van Pelt waved goodnight and each of them drove away in different directions.

Lisbon took a deep breath and decided she would simply go for it.

"So… when are you planning to leave the city?"

Jane startled slightly, and that only confirmed her supposition. He wasn't going to stay.

(Truth be told, she'd always known as much.)

"I haven't decided yet. I'll make sure to say goodbye before I leave, if that makes you feel any better."

She shrugged defiantly. "Fine."

"Lisbon…"

"Please, don't. It's fine if you feel the need to go away. I can understand it."

He searched her eyes for a moment. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be."

"I've never deserved a friend like you."

"Friendship isn't something that one deserves. It just… happens."

His tentative smile almost broke her heart. But she had to be strong, for both of their sakes.

"You'll find other friends, Jane. Even a woman to love, maybe. You deserve to be happy after all you've been through."

"Don't think so."

_Not since I'll be far away from you_, he mentally added.

"Building walls around you won't get you anywhere, Patrick. I can tell better than anyone else."

"What do you expect me to do? Walk into a bar, meet the love of my life and live happily ever after? I married her, she's dead. Lightening doesn't strike twice in the same place."

"I hope you're going to find yourself a new life nonetheless. And that could still happen – if only you decide you're ready to feel again."

"And what about you, may I ask?"

"We're not talking about my life, Jane."

"Why not? We're friends, after all. What about your happiness?"

"I _am_ happy."

(Yet she knew that her eyes were giving her away once more.)

"You shouldn't be lying to yourself, Teresa."

She bit her lip. "Neither should you."

Silence fell between them, and he dropped his head ever so slightly.

"I wish I could stay," he whispered at long last.

"It's your decision, and yours only."

All of a sudden he realized how much he wanted to stay in Sacramento. With her.

What was the point in denying it anymore?

His arms slid around her almost of their own accord. "Don't let me run away, Teresa. Please."

And for the first time she felt no awkwardness in reciprocating his hug.

"Okay."

"You know I'm just a mess, don't you?"

"I had a feeling about that."

These words had him chuckling, and with that he finally plucked up the courage to brush his lips against hers. It was the most chaste of kisses, and yet neither of them had experienced anything this powerful in years.

All of a sudden a weird image crossed Lisbon's mind. The two of them sharing a relationship – even a bed maybe. And it didn't feel that weird now that she had come to think about it.

It felt _right_ somehow.

"I'm not there yet," he whispered into her ear, as if he'd actually read her mind. "But we might work towards it."

Her cheeks turned crimson and she tried to hide her face against his chest.

Jane couldn't help capturing her lips for another kiss. Teresa always looked adorable when she was blushing.

The faint hint of wine that still lingered on her lips was definitely the sweetest thing he'd tasted in the last ten years.


End file.
